The Three Kings

After Christmas in Barcelona and New Years in Bretagne I was talking to my sister (American version) who was getting ready to go back to school.  I, meanwhile, was preparing for another full week of vacation, at St. Patrick's they take three weeks off instead of one because they can... no wait, I mean because there is another holiday they need to celebrate, and if you were thinking that this is just another excuse for them to drink heavily, your wrong, this one is for the kids.  Specifically baby Jesus, or something else Christian-y like that.  Basically the story goes that these three kings heard of baby Jesus so, deciding that they wanted an easy trip to eternal salvation, they would give their future savior loads of gifts.  So Jesus was loaded down with crappy first century type gifts like butter churns, goats, and books I guess.  Deciding his gifts weren't worth it Jesus contented himself by giving up worldly items, building houses, and becoming the leader of a following large enough to take over half the world.  And then he is sacrificed or killed so we can all live happily ever after.  I'm not sure but I think the bible would have gone a little differently had Jesus been born more recently, although he wouls still technically have been getting first century gifts (Had to think about that one for a minute didn't you).  What if Jesus had gotten an Xbox 360 for his first birthday.  He would have been far too busy pwning n00bs to even consider giving it up.  It would make the gaming world a lot more dangerous as well, imagine a kid just roflstomped Jesus and, unaware the man he just sniped was the saviour of humanity, started with some light hearted 'Yo mama,' jokes.  How soon do you think he would remain free of the black plague?  It would be mere minutes before virtual barbarians came to slaughter and burn his Farmville.  Instead, we have the day the Three Kings gave Jesus gifts a week after he was born.
Three Kings is a big deal in Spain.  Many cities, no matter how small, want to celebrate with a parade.  The theme: The kings (one of whom happens to be black) ride into town throwing candy to the children and bringing their gifts.  The problem: Spain seems to be running on a shortage of black people (I would say African Americans, but, you know, they aren't American, just plain African sounds racist in and of itself, damn you political correctness, so I'm going with black people because people of any race can be of any nation, put that in your pipe and smoke it).  The solution: Black face paint.  Now San Sebastian was lucky enough to have a real black person.  However it was offset when the city decided that even though the first two kings got to ride camels the black guy's trusty steed was going to be an elephant, because, you know, that's what they're all riding if Africa, right? Besides from the three kings there were also choirs, bands, and shepards hearding groups of animals.  Sheep, cows, horses, cows, and sheep were just a few of the diverse range of animals represented in the parade, everyone of those animals is blessed with sphincter that functions independantly of their feet and absolutly zero shame.  To sum up in less Politically Correct terms (Seeing as how I already smacked that smug grin off the goddamn socially accepted policy of making a term so confusing it loses its meaning) these beasts crap, a lot, no matter where they are, no matter how many kids will cherish the moments as their first memories.  So behind the herds of animals there were herds of Spainards dressed up in neon yellow, armed with buckets and shovels, reminding us of the good old days when no one cared about the economic gap between royalty and shit scooper.  Otherwise the parade was great, plenty of candy, lots of torches or other buring things to keep the pyros entertained, and it was not too long.  Unlike a fair number of parades I have been to where I find myself gazing down the street wondering, "Did they make up more kings just to drag this out?"
That night we all left our shoes out so the Kings could leave us gifts.  Apparently learning to write our names was a little too much work for the kings so they decided to go go with the classic "Recognize individuals foot odor," to leave us gifts.  After presents we all ate a special breakfast that I imagine is something close to fruit cake, but with a twist.  It is a ring of slightly sweetened bread, with some sugar sprinkled on top, and fruits, covered in sugar.  The twist is that there is a bean and a king hidden inside the cake.  Whoever cuts the slice with the bean becomes slave-for-the-day to whoever cuts out the king, because nothing says family love and gift giving like forced indentured servitude.  But now the holiday season is over and we are all back at school or work, and it is true that it was tough for me to miss the traditions I grew up with while adopting a whole new set I had never experienced before, but I survived and enjoyed myself.  However, even though I enjoyed it, I look forward to celebrating with my famliy next year, because even though I have changed this year, nothing back at home is allowed to be different when I returned.  Do you hear that little sister, stop growing right now, don't grow above five feet tall, stay thirteen years old, wear Minnie Mouse themed cloths, and for gods sake, no boyfriends!